PRISONPENN.COM FROM THE INSIDE OUT

By Jerzey

So I guess this guy’s on his way out – maybe. He is five cells to my left when I’m on the bars. Last night at 1:50 AM I awoke to a man screaming, moaning and crying in his sleep from a nightmare. It woke me up out of a dead sleep. I gotta say it was very upsetting and a horrible. Thing to hear and listen to. All I kept thinking was this guy is about to “hang out”. His cries went on for a good two minutes; I had mixed emotions. I wanted him to shut the fuck up so bad; to go back to sleep and make like it never happened. One of my neighbors finally got him to shut up, or woke him up. I’m not sure which one.

For the next half hour I was lost in thoughts. It hurt me to hear that guy like that. Crying and sobbing like a baby. What kind of problems and what kind of bid does he have. Does he have daylight at the end? They say pressure bust pipes and at that moment I understood all too well. I thought about my family, my lady – the love of my life. All that I lost, from her and everything else I was stripped of. Where I am and what my life has become. A con in the worst prison in the state. I wanted to cry but couldn’t. Wanted to sleep but couldn’t. Wanted to be in my lady’s arms so bad, but couldn’t.

I’ve never felt more lonely or vulnerable in my life. Lately I’ve been having nightmares again myself. Are they worse than this man’s? What have his eyes seen or his hands done? What have these walls and maxes done to him? A friend four cells the other way said he slept through it; I’m not going for that one. I know many men on all 3 tiers awoke to those cries, heard them just like me. I know it hurt them just like it did me. For a time however long or brief, we were all prisoners of our own minds and personal hells. I asked another guy this morning in the mess hall if he heard all that last night. His eyes said it all, it hurt him just as much. Then he showed me the guy. I couldn’t be that guy yelling for him to shut the fuck up last night. I couldn’t listen to his cries, but I couldn’t speak either. They silenced me, hurt me, took me somewhere I know all too well myself. Crying silently at night, praying, talking to myself. Nothing like what I heard in those screams, cries, or anywhere close to that level.

Nobody came for the guy either. No C.O.’s, no lights on, nothing. It was easier to pretend or try to forget. Try to erase that pain that we all live with in here. That’s easier said than done and the guy in 38 cell bought it all back up to the surface. Those cries brought everything out. I thought for sure there would be a dead body at the 5:30 am count. I awoke to the same thing at 4:18 am. He just moved up here and it was his 1st night on the company. I can’t take that every night, no way. All of my problems and pain came out last night. My reality and the hell I call home. All the emotions I suppress. How much I hurt and how lonely I am. I never wanted to be in bed with my lady, to be in her arms so bad. As of yesterday, I ‘m a month short of a year. That was my 1st time hearing anything like that. Saw it on Oz and movies, that it. This ain’t no movie though and the real thing can’t compare. It’s reality and pain and a lot of other shit and emotions mixed together.

You’ll never understand it unless you’ve lived it, heard it for yourself. I’ll never forget that night or the pain I heard. The pain it inflicted on me. Where it took me mentally and the things I felt. The dreams it made me have. To hear a grown man and probably a stone killer cry like a child was something else. To live that, hear that pain is something no one should have to experience. From his perspective or mine. Especially while in this hell we all call home- Clinton – Main / Dannemora. New York State’s Siberia as it’s so called. Last night was a reminder I could have did without. Something I’ll never forget. You could put your game face on when you’re around the prison, try to stay busy but reality catches back up at night. Locked in all alone on a twin bed staring at puke green walls.
Suicide or “hanging up” is real up north. These walls will brainwash you if you let them. They’ll drive you to the brink of insanity. Then push you over that line. Turn you into a completely different person, whether it be good or bad. Most times it’s for the worst in here though. This is reality – my reality for the net few years. I just gotta stay focused and remember that pressure bust pipes and new neighbors suck sometimes!

One,
-Jerzey 201