I would like to start this entry by asking all of my readers to say a prayer for Vada Vasqez. She was a victim of a stray bullet from a 16-year-old boy’s gun. Vada is currently in a coma from a gunshot wound to her head. Hopefully her circumstances will have improved by the time this entry is posted. I hope and pray that young Vada finds the strength to pull through this situation. I would also like to apologize on behalf of all of the prisoners who may have contributed in influencing the young man’s actions. Many of us on the inside the role that we played in helping create the environment that exists in our communities and we accept the fact that we are partly responsible for the negativity that takes place in our communities.
Situations like this are extremely unfortunate and they happen all to ooften. Incidents wehre innocent children become victims of misplaced anger and bullets by young gang members are dishearteningly common. We can only imagine how the family and friends of the victims feel. We know how we feel when we read about situations like this in the papers, but how does the killer feel? How do they live with the weight of a child’s body on their consciences? How can they live with themselves? A friend of mine has been faced with these questions for the past 18 years.
That friend of mine, who we will call Rob, is in prison for three counts of murder. One of the people he killed was a 7-year-old boy. At the time of the shooting, Rob was only 15 years old. Abig-time drug dealer, whom he revered as a father, told him to shoot up rival drug dealers. Rob eagerly complied and ended up killing two of the drug dealers and a little boy who was sitting on the stoop of the neighboring building. Within minutes of the shooting, police picked Rob up. Now 34 years old, Rob is 18 years into his life sentence, and he is a much different person now. I was able to talk him into letting me document, and post on P.P., a conversation with him about his crime and his current feelings towards it. His agreement was conditioned on remaining anonymous.
G-Kay: Honestly, did you mean to kill the little boy or anyone for that matte that day?
Rob: Not the kid, no. Honestly I didn’t even see him. I was focused only o the guys who were getting out of the car. As for them, I intended to kill them. There’s no excuse for what I did, but at the time I was young, mad at the world, and impressionable. It also didn’t help that I felt my life was on a voyage with no destination. This was a recipe for disaster. The person that put the gun n my hand sent me to kill was a man that I looked up to. He was actually a father figure to me, so I naturally thought that he had my best interests at heart. The reality was that he was manipulating my ignorance. My desire to please him blinded my reasoning and I thought that everything he told me was right. So when he told me that he wanted me to kill someone, I didn’t even question him.
G-Kay: How did you feel when you found out that you had killed a 7-year-old bystander?
Rob: I felt bad about it, but that was only for the first few weeks. I’m ashamed to admit that once I got to Riker’s Island and started getting into the swing of things it didn’t even cross my mind.
G-kay: So you were able to live with the death of a child on your conscience?
Rob: I know it sounds crazy, but year, at that time I was able to live with myself without a problem. I grew up in Brownsville, Brooklyn, where murder was part ouf our everyday lives. My father was killed in front of my building when I was 4 years old. I was watching him from the window when it happened. Two of my older cousins were before I reached 12 years old. In junior high school, a kid was shot and killed right in front of me over a basketball game. Growing up in an environment like that made me think that violence and murder were normal.
G-Kay: Your environment desensitized you?
Rob: Yes, it did.
G-Kay: Do you still feel the same way now?
Rob: no. I am no longer that same person anymore. Everything in my life has changed for the betters, thanks to education and spirituality.
G-Kay: What caused this paradigm shift?
Rob: Unfortunately, I spent the first five years of my bid in the box (solitary confinement). In my mind, I believed I would spend the rest of my life behind bars, so I decided that I was going to make a name for myself in prison. This type of thinking led me right to the box in only my second month upstate. While in the box, I kept fighting other inmates as well as officers. This turned my six-month box sentence into five years. I was totally lost and out of it. Then, on December 23, 1997, the anniversary of my crime, I received an unexpected visit. That visit changed everything.
G-Kay: Who came to visit you?
Rob: The father of the child that I killed. I was not expecting that at all. Not in a million years would I have thought that would happen. I sat down with him and said, “Who are you?” When he told me who he was, it really blew my mind. I was so shocked. I felt so many confusing emotions running though me at that moment. I wanted to walk away because I didn’t think I could bear to continue to looking this man in his eyes, but I didn’t have any strength to move. I couldn’t even speak.
Surprisingly, his attitude and demeanor were not threatening at all. After my shock dissipated, we began to speak. It was extremely awkward for me. I know he must have felt awkward, too. I took his only son away from him. How could he not feel awkward, you know? I caused so many miserable days and sleepless nights for him. He told me he came to visit me that day because that was what God wanted him to do. He explained how the death of his son led him to build a profound relationship with God. Everything that happened, he told me, was part of a Divine plan. When he told me that I was a big part of that plan, I didn’t how to respond. He told me that he would find it in his heart to forgive me, but I would have to do something fro him in return. I asked him what that was, and he told me that I have to live my life for his son. I had to live life for the son whose life I took away. Tears trickled down my face when he said that to me. I looked down, and I avoided eye contact for as long as possible.
I had never experienced such forgiveness, such faith, and such courage. After the visit, I went back to my cell and spent the rest of the day and night thinking about what happened. I thought long and hard about what the father was asking of me and about the direction that I was headed in. I thought about the look in his eyes. I could see the forgiveness in his eyes, but I also saw a sorrow that would never go away. I caused that sorrow. I owed this man and his son much more than life. I would fulfill his request.
G-Kay: That was definitely a life changing experience. So what did you do to make the change?
Rob: Well, I started by reading. After I wrote a letter to the father and told him my decision, he immediately sent me some books. I started reading the Bible first, and then I read a book called the “Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.” I have those two books to this very day, and I look though them almost every day. Those books have changed the way I think about everything. Four months after that visit, I was released from the box and was sent to population.
My first goal was to get my GED. I worked tirelessly on it and passed the GED test in December 1998. A few months later, I entered a program that enabled me to earn college credits. In February 200, I was sent to Sing Sing on an educational transfer. From there, I earned my B.S. in Behavioral Science in 2004, and my M.A. in Professional Studies in 2006. Throughout my time here, I have maintained an active role in the church and have built a wonderful relationship with God.
G-Kay: I cannot imagine you as the person that you have described yourself to be before because I only know the you that sits before me know, and it is difficult to picture you any way else. What role would you say education and religion have played in your transformation?
Rob: Vital roles. Education has been my eyes. Through it, I have learned who I am. I have learned of the potential that I always had but was too blind to see. Religion has been my life force. It has given me a purpose and the strength to continue on my path to righteousness no matter how dire the future might seem
G-Kay: Okay. Before we go, I want to ask one more question. Do you feel that you owe your community for the things that you have done?
Rob: Absolutely. My debt to society is huge. My actions have affected my community in such a negative way. Not only my actions, but also the actions of others who presently think the way that I used to think. After that life-changing visit, I knew that I had to change my life. I had to change my life not only for myself, and for the son whose life I took, but also so I could serve as an example to other young people in the community. The youth has to see that another way of life is possible. The cycle of violence and ignorance has to come to an end, and I am determined to do what I can to help bring that end about. Prison and cemeteries are full of misguided youth. I am obligated to help break the cycle.
i think that more people out on the streets should come to this site and read all these things that come straight from the prison cause it seems that they’re trying so hard to ‘earn’ a name out in the streets while the people who are already in prison are doing all they can to try and make them realize that they’re making huge mistakes. but even with all the effort they’re making, their voices will hardly be heard cause some of them are in there for life and unless prisonpenn writes about it, people won’t know.