By Philip Miller
Prison really sucks. I mean it REALLY sucks. Of course, I might just be overreacting to the overly warm sense of hospitality provided by my benefactors. I can’t receive this treatment just anywhere, you know. Really, where else could I have someone bang a baton against metal bars in order to wake me up at 5:30 in the morning? Loud banging that is immediately followed by the question, “Where are you going this morning?” The combination of the noise and that godforsaken question makes me want to say, “Hmm, lets see. I have a choice of, what three different buildings? How about we close our eyes and pick one out of a fucking hat!” Unfortunately, the rules of diplomacy dictate otherwise, and I grudgingly answer, “school”. I can’t wait for this shit to end.
Besides the early morning wake up call, I would be remiss if I didn’t speak of the mass confusion that permeates this dilapidated microcosm. The motto assigned to that confusion is called, “hurry up and wait.” Yes, the ever so clever dungeon keeps juxtapose those contradictory ideas each day. It starts with a simple announcement: “Chapel Run going out!” and “Last call on Chapel Run!” Everyone within earshot realizes that if you’re going to the chapel, it’s time to leave right now. Surprisingly, as soon as I take the first step into the hallway, I’m told, “Stand by. WE didn’t call chapel yet.” As I try to process what the fuck is going on, I stand quietly in a state of perplexity. I know damned well that the chapel run was just announced. Arguing is futile so waiting is the only option. Then along comes a sergeant. The sergeant asks the officer, “why are these guys still here? Didn’t the chapel run go out already?” As if a light just lit the fuck up in his uniquely brilliant mind, the officer says, “Okay, Chapel is going out.” I look at the prisoner beside me and, without saying a word, we both know what the other is thinking: this has to be the only place that would hire these people. Alas, the confusion does not end there. Halfway down the hallway, another officer stops the entire group and says, “where are you guys coming from and where are you going?” Okay, let’s pause for a moment. Is it me, or do the officers here compete with each other for the “stupidest person alive” award? Before the officer needlessly halted our journey, we were all walking in the direction of the Chapel, which lies only 30 feet away. IN this part of the hallway, there is literally no other place to go except the Chapel. I understand that this officer might be some world-renowned theorist of existence and non-existence coexisting in a formless vacuum, but give me a fucking break! The group stands there silently, refusing to dignify the officer’s stupidity with any form of acknowledgment. Finally, another officer comes along and says, “Why are you guys just standing here? Keep it moving.” What the fuck is wrong with these people! I can’t wait for this shit to be over.
One of the craziest things is when an officer does not do the count correctly. First of all, I have to mention that during the count, all inmates are returned to their cells. Those that are not returned to their cells are on an out-count list. It’s a very simple procedure: point your finger and count aloud. Surprisingly, some of the officers still use their fingers and thumbs on both hands to count, and then they panic in confusion as they reach the number 11. Counting one by one should not be an effort in futility. The downside to an improper count is that all prisoners have to stay in their cells, even if that means missing programs, classes, and medical appointments, etc. Nothing can resume until our dungeon keepers realize they can count past 10 by including their toes. The training academy must be a joke. It’s either that or they just don’t give a fuck and they really do hire anyone with a fucking heartbeat. The height of stupidity manifests itself when one officer counts prisoners as being in their cells when there really is no one there. I mean, come on! How the fuck does he count a person that is not inside the cell? Does he think the prisoner found Harry Potter’s cloak of invisibility and just decided to test it out during the count? Oh, the cell looks empty, but I’m sure the inmate is in there somewhere. I’ll count him anyway even though I don’t see him. When the final count is tallied up, someone in an office somewhere realizes that there are five extra phantom prisoners inside the facility. Despite knowing that no incoming drafts occurred that day, it takes a few moments for the ”brain” at the computer to realize that we didn’t lose prisoners. We got some extra ones. No problem. They must have parachuted in. Happens all the time. Eventually, a re-count occurs, and the count process begins anew. This time three officers walk by, all of them counting aloud so they can compare their numbers when they finish. It’s crazy. The officers get paid to maintain security (an oxymoron if there ever was one) and count. How fucking hard can the counting part be? It’s not like they have to count, multiply by 3,564 and then divide the square root of the product by 77 using only an abacus. Oh my God I can’t wait for this shit to be over!
There are so many moments when almost every prisoner in here says, “I can’t wait for this shit to be over!” Only a few were listed here, but this is an everyday occurrence. And just when you think you’ve seen everything, another bewildering act of stupidity occurs again. The worst part of it all is the realization that the majority of us in here brought this on ourselves. We committed the acts that placed us under the supervision of people who need an extra set of hands just to count to five without messing up. I can’t speak for everyone, but if I make it out of here, I am never coming back. The rest of my life is too valuable to spend in this sadly stagnated abyss.
Bless you dude. Your sense of humor cracked me up, even though it’s really not funny. I do hope you never go back. The world needs people like you. Keep your head up.